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“You’re like a guest in your own home”

Those words from one of our last arguments before I left still ring through my mind. I think about them every time I look around my apartment with objects haphazardly thrown about. They struck me so deeply, resonating with a deep inner wound I hadn’t realized had been left gaping open until that moment.

I know how those words were intended, but they only reminded me how my lack of belonging anywhere had manifested. Growing up in a military family, we moved frequently and had to follow strict rules to preserve the home. After my parents separated, there was the additional level of bouncing frequently between homes. I was a transient since birth, and only just recently started identifying with one location as my hometown.

I spoke with a social worker once. She was unimpressed with the custody arrangement, as she found similar arrangements often left children confused, lacking a sense of identity or home. I can only agree with that sentiment, as I grew up feeling homeless and unbelonging. I frequently felt exactly like those words stated: a guest in my own home; only ever temporarily welcome.

As a result, I realize I’ve spent much of my time searching for a sense of home elsewhere. School was home for a long while, then I found home in my friends. I found home in work. I found home in other people and places, but never within myself. I have never been able to cultivate my own sense of home.

Through the painful cutting of that moment on a dark night in Thailand, I truly realized how unhealed I was and how I truly couldn’t put off getting help any longer. I realized how important it was that I learned how to create a sense of home, and how scared I was of stepping onto that road not knowing if I would still find the love and community I longed for on the other side.

I chose to step over for those loved ones’ sake, so I could learn how to love without assigning them as a residence for my own self; so I could stop hurting them with an unhealed attachment. On the other side of that first step, I lost a whole life and my former self. I committed to the journey, finally, for my own sake. But I also regained connections with those who had walked this road ahead of me, and I’ve begun learning how to form new connections again.

But most importantly, I am on my way toward creating my own home. This time with intention, where I can rest at ease and feel safe to discover my true self.